Facing And Conquering 8 Years Of Fears - 9/11/09
This time of year there are a lot of stories from people online and off, this story is coming from someone who has always tried to forget. This year is different. 9/11, for some of us, isn't just another day. This year, I'll be taking on my fears, head on. I was not on the east coast, I didn't have a relative hurt, but I've been changed ever since. Since 2001, I've changed completely; suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression and experience horrific flashbacks.
Background:
I was a confident person and felt in control of my life, emotions and feelings; citations from chiefs of police and even called a hero. In August 2001 I was in the police academy but had to resign due to medical reasons. I'd worked hard, trained hard and was devastated but was bouncing back, ready to go for a second try. Just a couple of weeks later, on 9/10, I had my application ready to apply for a job as a dispatcher. I woke the next day, to a changing world.
I watched as the first tower of the World Trade Center was already burning. Chaos in the street and on the airwaves. Every station was broadcasting the breaking news. Then I watched the second tower get hit, live. I watched in horror. I even recall the Weather Channel broadcasting the news... and then the world slowed down and I watched the first tower collapse, the terror, horror, death and pain. This was only compounded as the last tower collapsed.
It was so surreal, living under a flight path and hearing no jets in the air, and feeling out of control, wanting to be there to help search, wanting to control my feelings.
Since then, the last 8 years have been a continuous battle with self doubt, fear and emotions. In this time, I've loved and lost and hurt people. I used to enjoy friends but now find sanctuary in a quiet house alone. I always second guess decisions, whereas before, even if things didn't go the way I wanted, I'd stand behind my decision.
By flying on 9/11/09, I'm taking on my fears head to head. This won't prove to anyone but myself that I can overcome hurdles, fears and self doubt once again. For most, it's just another day, but for me, it will be a great hurdle. Upon landing in Portland, around 10:20PDT, I'll start a live broadcast to show myself and you all that I've finally conquered my fears.
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Comments
You have conquered your fear
I glad that you have meet with your fears and that you are on the mend now keep up the fight and enjoy your life we only get one chance at it. Good Luck
Wow -
Matt - facing your fears and doing them anyway takes phenomenal courage and strength! Way to go for it! I'll be sending you lots of support and energy that day!
9/11
That morning was a big change too. I was at my cube getting ready to start my day, had my laptop off to the side in a chat, next thing i see is comments that one of the towers were hit. I tried going to cnn and a few other sites but the traffic was to heavy. Everyone in my department started to ask what is happening and whats going on. We had no tv there but I still had access to one. So I go get it and turn it on and see both towers burning. My dad was supposed to end his shift at Lukd AFB, he was a Fire figter I called him and he said that the f16s were in the air and the base was locked down. all the gates heavily guarded. It was like this cant happen here it didnt seem real until the towers came down. The next few days was real eerie quiet. No jets flying over head just uneasy.